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the eating disorder was my coping mechanism for the abuse i endured. it was how i felt in control how i found solace in a world that made no sense to my soul. the eating disorder allowed me to feel numb and preoccupied all at the same time. numb the pain during penetration preoccupy my mind during the empty moments when memories flowed.

i never had to think about the abuse i had endured because i was too preoccupied counting calories, subtracting my steps, devising plans to destroy my appetite, dreaming of the day i had a different body.

a body that would escape touch. a body that could disappear.