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the love we withhold

is the pain we carry

my body has the imprints of abuse deeply within its tissues therefore not becoming or being prey is no easy task. not being prey without becoming predator is an even nobler task. not being prey nor predator in this present moment is what i am most proud of. the imprints for both are deeply in my tissues, they are the issues that hold my heart hostage.

these imprints have plagued every connection i have had with men. i must be honest that they even poisoned my last love affair. i used his love as the confirmation that i was free from repeating the stories held in my body because his presence presented so poised and so perfect. 

the last time i loved, i stopped listening to my body. an imprint in my inherited genes that has been present throughout my ancestry. i believed that listening to my bodies stories of the past were what had led me to him. that listening was enough to never witness the story be replayed. i believe that turning past poison into potent potions had made the space to place him in my heart. that my heart, my body, was now safe to inhabit because someone like him loved me. his love led me to believe that i no longer needed to listen to my body because i felt full in my soul with his arms holding me tight.

but because i stopped listening my body he was able to lie to me, cheat on me, slowly and subtly begin to verbally abuse me, degrade me, discredit me, and look into my eyes and lie about our future while i held his child in my womb and he held his mistress in his bed.