the wind smacked my face; my hair flew circling me. how wise my body’s hair was to listen to the wisdom of the wind weave a protective cocoon for my body.
i would need this cocoon when the wind stilled and moon cased the earth with darkness.
my throat remembers drinking nail polish tasting vodka. my eyes remember the room becoming blurrier; the darkness of his bedroom. my eyes remember a figure appearing from the darkness. my boyfriend laughing before they left. and when they left only my body is able to recall what happened next.
my wrists remember his pressure; my body struggled before he undressed me enough to penetrate my intoxicated corpse. my mouth remembers screaming no. serenading him with the word stop. my eyes remember pouring tears of broken trust as he thrusted harder into me. his violent pilgrimage went so deep that the top of my head smacked against the wall; so violently i was left unconscious.
only my physical body was present now.
and i only know what happened because of the bruises on my arms and legs and the soreness of my soul. but what truly allowed me confidently conclude that my ‘perfect’ boyfriend had raped me was the urine from my body that tested positive on a pregnancy test.
i pretended the pregnancy wasn’t real. i pretended he didn’t rape me by medicating with hard drugs. i pretended the weight gain wasn’t happening by starving. i pretended none of it happened by numbing my body to a state only accessible through medical grade anesthetics.
but no anesthetic would allow me to pretend. to ignore my body. to deny my body. to ignore and deny the existence of the life energy of my daughter in my womb. her energy in my body was too beautiful, encompassing and fulfilling to numb. there was no way to numb feeling her growing inside of my emaciated soul.
feeling my daughter inside my womb, feeling her grow, feeling her die… led me to feel how dead i was inside my body.